It's hard to feel pretty at art gallery parties.
The sleekest and sexiest (in the weirdest way, of course) show up and even if champagne is not present everyone acts like there is. You might break dress code without meaning to; creative dress really means how creatively can you wear black?
I felt so fat surrounded by all these glorious bird like creatures last night that I wanted to cry. Lipstick can only go so far, and does not make my chin feel any less awkwardly misshapen on my face. Wrap dresses do not give me Michelle Obama's arms. High heels do not make my stomach less round. Coming to terms with things about me changing, regardless of whether I gain or lose weight, is impossibly hard. Hours on the exercise bike will not change the way my face is developing. I was in loathing with the body I once had. Now I want every aspect of the old me back. Getting older feels so awkward at twenty. My feet are growing. My neck is elongating. Will I maybe reach 5' some day?
I am not going to tell you that you just have to accept yourself as perfect just the way you are, although you probably should. This also is not the place where you are going to find print outs with nice font that you fill out and write all the things you like about your body. I do not have answers, I do not have confidence stored in a delightful box that I can throw off in your direction, I do not have a head that I can hold high and pretend it is all okay right now.
I know a lot of you have felt the same way sometime lately, and I know it feels like you have been ignored.
I wish you all the strength in the world if you are battling an eating disorder; I truly understand how spirit sucking it can be to try to even contemplating correcting something that weighs so hard on your soul. But today I write to the silent majority of women who hate what they see when they look in the mirror and never do anything about it.
You have to do something.
No, keep eating and do not think that a growl in your stomach is any kind of self improvement. No, keep going to gallery parties even if you feel alienated by beautiful creatures that you do not even feel part of the same species. The art is on the walls, not striding around from piece to piece.
No matter who you are, there is something inside you that warms your heart and makes you feel indomitable. Hold on to it with every thing you have inside you. Use it to focus on what is happening around you, not who. Look at the beauty in life instead of the beauty of other people. Never let go of it. Never let go.
Tonight I am going to ride my exercise bike for a few hours while watching a movie. In the long run, this will solve nothing but to assure me that I am doing everything I can from feeling awful. Even so, I will not feel assured.
There is no solution but you are not alone.
I am here for you. I feel your pain. I know we both know what each other is going through.
You are not alone.